Maatam

Photograph by Apalkin Paul - Ukrainian Photographer

Grieving

For a loss

Years after …

Years

Of blocking the hurt

Turning one’s back.

There were

Passing pangs,

Little jogs of memory,

All pushed

Firmly into oblivion

Refusal to face … extreme

Nights

Spent awake

Dry-eyed and burning

Days passed

In fake-happy hazes

Caring, worrying, laughing

                                                                                                           
Sublimating

Pain and instincts

Through amused, befuddled friends

Grieving … ---

For what? …

unsure

Of the greatness of loss

If the universe gives

And then takes away

Is it really loss?

If the impossible

Refuses to be

Is that loss?

It was …

Was it?

Questions unanswered.

The most wanted

Transformed to the most dreaded.

Life, … as usual

Something taken

Before presence was felt

Cannot be mourned.

Yet, the loss

Seems real …

More real than my being.

And today

I resolve to mourn

For all that might have been

But wasn’t, all that …

Almost was

Tonight, I wear black in my soul.

Biography

one by one

leaves fall open

revealing a story

of impulse and regret…

history repeats

what a cliché!

how true.

repetitions interminable.

woman – doormat

individual – social

truism – untrue

clinging,

desperate grip

to the edge of self.

lacerated, bleeding fingers

refusing to let go…

to drown in comfortable

blackness.

tussle, ongoing, forever.

knowing sin

as i commit…

not vindication, extenuation.

shape up!
oft heard, oft said

oftener ignored

finding cruel pleasure

in undoing every stitch

of reconstructed self.

re-opening

scabbed-over wounds.

futile attempts

at claiming identity

mistaken, misguided, mis-lived

Sikri

disgusted with self

having done

the one thing

uppermost

in mind.

atheist!?

begging

wish fulfillment

at accepted

deity-doors

in the end

just being myself.

opportunist.

Monologue

No Woman No Cry by Chris Ofili

Talking.

About her

Battered, raped, abused.

Talking.

About him

Friend, relative, lover.

Talking.              

About mechanisms

Of victimized, victimizers.

About guilt

Theirs, hers, mine.

Talking.

About pain

About spinelessness

About love

Mistaken, unworthy, unneeded.

Talking.

About trust

Misplaced, betrayed, broken.

Talking.

About loss

About shame

At staying too long.

Talking.

About responsibility

About accountability

About grief

About fragility

Incredible, gossamer, cracked-glass

Fragility

Talking.

About closure, impossible

Until blame is apportioned.

Can the tyrant persecute

Without consent

Of the persecuted?

SHOPPING

             

    

      WET PALMS AND NAUSEA

      ROWS AND RACKS

      MAYONNAISE , TOMATO PUREE ,

      BISCUITS , GODZILLIAN KINDS .

     NEXT DOOR , COSMETICS .

     GUARANTEED TO MAKE

     YOU LOOK LIKE  princess 'DI'.

     OR MAYBE , IN FIFTEEN MINUTES ,

     PEEL OFF YOUR FACE .

    LINGERIE !

    CREATED FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN ;

    SEXY , BOLD , REVEALING .

    YOU LOOK LIKE A PEAR ?

    SORRY , TOUGH LUCK !

   DIVINE CONFECTIONS IN GOLD !

   DELICATE , ETHEREAL , EXORBITANT ;

   EACH PIECE A FANTASY ,

   EACH STONE A PERFECT FLOWER .

   BEYOND YOUR MEANS ? POOR SOP !

   THE CLOTHING SECTION ;

   THE MOST PERFECTEST DRESS !

   SORRY MADAM , ......

   YOUR SIZE NOT MADE .

   IF ONLY THE BREASTS WERE WELL SHAPED .....

   IF ONLY THE HIPS WERE .... SLIM

  OH I HATE SHOPPING ,

  IT'S SUCH A SHALLOW THING TO DO !

  DON'T KID YOURSELF  .

  YOU DON'T DESERVE TO SHOP ,

  YOU FAT , UGLY , DESTITUTE BITCH !